4.0 IN MARRIAGE, WHO’S THE CAPTAIN? MARRIAGE AS INTENDED BY GOD
CHAPTER FOUR
“Woe to the house where the hen crows and the cork keep quiet, “says an old Spanish Proverb. In essence, it is saying that someone has to be in charge and it had better be the one designed for the task!
In marriage, that is a wrong question. In fact, if that is a real question for anyone who is preparing for marriage, he is heading for trouble. However, to say that ‘In Marriage, Who is the Captain?” is the wrong question is not the same as saying there is no divinely established authority within marriage. There is, and it is called headship.
Of course, the traditional view of the husband being the leader and the wife the follower is coming under heavy fire in today’s society. And as Ruth Graham the wife of Billy Graham once said in an interview, “If there are two leaders in a marriage then one of them is unnecessary.” We are living in perilous times when people are tampering with God’s principles for marriage. Wonderfully coined phrases about liberation, mutual submission, and egalitarianism sound good and enlightening, but as far as marriage goes, they are humanistic and anti-Scriptural.
The Bible, however, is quite emphatic on this issue of marital roles and addressed it with great clarity and insight. The Pauline Epistle of Ephesians for example, which first three chapters have been described as ‘the theological foundation” and the last three chapter, “the experimental super structure. In the second section Paul gives two key words, which help us understand the roles a man and a woman should play in marriage. The husband, he says, is the head of the wife and must love his partner as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:23,25). The wife, on the other hand, is to submit herself to her husband in the same way that the Church is subject to Christ (Ephesians 5:24).
4.1 THE HUSBAND – A CHRIST- LIKE HEAD
The God-given headship role of the husband as pertaining marriage is clearly spelt out in the Pauline book of Ephesians. However, the headship as described is a “loving” headship. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loves the Church. Many husbands are known to have exercised their headship in their families as a training commandant does during drills. He struts up and down in front of his family, roaring orders and shouting, “ I am the head of the home.” That is not leadership – that’s dictatorship. And besides, such man is not the ideal head of his home. The president of a nation does not have to repeatedly shout that he is the president during every given speaking session.
If we men are instructed to love our wives as Christ loves the Church, we have got to ask ourselves few questions like these: How does Christ handle his relationship with his Church? Does he impose biblical truth in our heads? Does he rule us with iron hands? Of course not! He is quite firm but gentle: insistent but got strident; unwavering yet compassionated. After this pattern Christian husbands are to love their wives.
Many do contend that men being the designated head, of the family means men are superior to women in marriage. That’s erroneous!
The Apostle Peter beautifully clears the air when he says, “ similarly, you husbands should try to understand the wives you live with, knowing them as physically weaker yet equally heirs with you of the grace of life” (I Peter 3:7, PHILIPS). But being equal does not mean that a man and woman have the same function. A husband and wife may be equal spiritually but not functionally. God has established the functional difference, and any attempt to change this will produce serious fractures in the marital relationship.
4.2 WHY LOVE HER?
As earlier indicated, the paramount responsibility of a husband in marriage is that of a loving leader. His leadership must be love – centered! I ‘d wonder why God made such a demand that man loves his wife; the answer sprung forth because to be loved is her greatest need.
Men are such that we tend to need only interval reminders about love after marriage. But never is the case with women; as the plants need regular sunshine and water without which they easily die, a woman needs constant love and affection if she is to flourish as a woman. We men, when deprived of love may easy engross ourselves with our careers and find solace there. Not so with a woman.
It deprived of love; she is affected to the core of her personality and entire being and if left alone, she suffers a tremendous breakdown which one almost can’t comprehend.
If loving our wives, as God requires is an issued, what then are some of the ways a man should handle this task? There a numerous ways, but I will briefly consider five:
Expression Of Love: Although women are enraptured with words such as, “I love you”, or “you are beautiful.” They too strongly anticipate the expression of their husbands love, The little thoughtful note slipped into her purse that says, “ I think of you every moment of my life,” that text massage which says, “You’re indeed my dream women, or just skipping your gym schedule, returning home earlier just to help her with the house work – washing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen window or mopping the floor. All of the just mentioned when done when least expected make a very rewarding and indelible impression in our marital love life. Let us not wait for Valentine, birthdays or anniversaries before expressing our love; she needs a dose of it every other day.
Tenderness: One of the most appreciated expressions of love, which a woman delights in receiving from her husband, is his gentle touched. A touch of hand, a pat on the shoulder and, of course other very simple out meaningful acts like opening the car door during outings: pulling her chair at the table at a banquet or offering to give her a special bubble bath – indeed any of these act of tenderness moves her to the deepest part of her being.
Holding Her in High Esteem Both Home and Abroad: It is a well proven psychological fact that if you place a high value on a person and make him aware of your expectations for him, he tends to become like the person you see him to be. This is exceedingly true with women. One writer says, “ Treat your wife like a queen, and she will tend to act like one”. The power a man holds over a woman to either bring out her best or demean her is awesome. Most women give in to liberationists because their husbands lack the sense of honoring them.
Making Allowance For Her Deficiencies and Mistakes – We all are aware, but I am convinced to say it: women, like men, are human and will sometimes make mistakes. They may fall at times far short of the expected; please they are not perfect just as we are not. Let us avoid greatly dwelling on their minor shortcomings. It’s both a Scriptural and psychological principle that what we focus on significantly affects the way we feel and act. We are however encouraged to check and aid our wives to overcome those continual mistake which create great problems for herself and other.
Encourage Her To Share Her View On Issues: It is sad and disastrous thing for a man to think that being the head of the family gives him absolute right to arbitrarily make decisions affecting the home without any consultation with his wife. To merely hold their quack view is to in the first place deny the reason God give you wife. It is well established scientifically that, God uniquely designs a woman to perspicaciously view thing while a man tends to view things from a wider perspective. What a regret that most men are making so many faulty decisions because they do ignore the intellectual prowess of their wives. Encouraging a wife to share her viewpoint on issues does not simply mean tolerating her perspective on things only to go the way you planned originally! It means listening to her sensitively, recognizing that she may provide you with the other half of the wisdom that God had in mind for you in your decision – making. Decisions that involve a man and his wife should constitute an amalgamation of both perspectives in order to become exceedingly fruitful.
4.3 THE ROLE OF THE WIFE
The most significant role of a woman in marriage is that of submission to her husband’s leadership.
Wives submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, his body of which he is the savior. Now as the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24 NIV) .
Many women do have serious problem when it comes to the issues of submission. They tend to find it difficult to practice it in honest. Submission is actually an attitude, a frame of mind or even a way of life. It recognizes that just as Christ was subject to God, and that the Church is subject to Christ, so a woman ought to be subject to her husband. By this attitude, she is acknowledging God uniquely designed family operational structure. She is also saying “God has beautifully placed my husband above me, not to be superior to me, but to be my spiritual covering and protection. God will shield me from harm through him, and as I recognize this divine principle and live happily and contentedly beneath it, I shall definitely be relieved of a great deal of stresses and strains of life, because God has arranged and equipped my husband to carry them.”
As a wife responds to her husband’s leadership, and submits to it, she enjoys protection and fulfillment in the position God designed her to enjoy. Through this divine order, God is able to reach deep into the life of a woman and provide her with the fulfillment she needs.
Remembered it has been earlier said that submission is a state of mind, way of life and indeed practical. Having knowledge of the Scriptural principle is one thing and practicing it is another aspect. The Scripture commands that a woman be (action verb) submissive – practical. “How should I be submissive to my husband? “ This is a frequent question many women asked. The below are few but significant ways a woman can go about the duty of submitting herself to her husband.
Firstly, she should grant him the right of being the final decision maker. Although women are wonderfully designed by God to view things from a perspective, which sometimes eludes men, and this means that a wife’s view is important in the art of family decision-making, yet after offering her views, she should no doubt leave the final decision to him. If after sharing her views and she feels her husband for other reasons in making wrong decision, she should tell him so in light of Proverbs 31:26; “She opens her mouth with skillful and godly wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness –giving counsel and instruction” (AMP). She should bear in mind that any harsh word might threaten his ego and thereby igniting confusion.
Secondly, she should give him all the respect she can muster. We men tend to excel in our marital and even career leadership roles when assure of our wives respects, support and confidence. Average athletes are said to have exhibited astonishing performances at global competitions as the result of receiving their wives support, respect and confidence from the spectators’ stand. Wives are encouraged to meditate on Ephesians 5:33; “Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband – that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteemed him; and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly (AMP). Nothing will be too great for a husband to achieve if he has the support, respect and confidence of his wife.
Thirdly, she should wisely manage their finance. The inability to manage finance is one of the commonest sources of strives among couples. Every sound husband feels very secured when his wife properly manages the finances of the home. The Bible gives account of a joyous man who trusts his wife with financial matter (Proverb 31; 11,16, 24). It is Scriptural for a men to commit money matters to his wife if she is wise in that area. Men, please take note!
Fourthly, she should gradually transfer leadership role to her spouse in areas, which should have been his. There are no doubt areas in which wives consciously or unconsciously assume leadership role, which actually should be for their husbands. I have come to realize that there are many reasons why men shy away from responsibilities but paramount amongst are the below:
- The exhibition of nonchalant attitude towards the said area.
- The lack of the requisite skills to handle (adequately) the affairs of the said area.
- The fear of not doing well – inferiority complex.
- Pressure from the wife – The “I can do better attitude” in some women.
Fifthly, she should endeavor to obey God’s commandments (“wives submit to your husband”) regardless of whether it pleases her or not. A wife who find it so difficult to submit to her husband who she see daily will inevitably find it even hardest to obey God.
Women, as you learn to rely on Christ, and joyously give yourselves in submission to your husbands, you can experience peace, joy, fulfillment and security even though your submission might cost you few things.
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